Let there be lights

As is customary every Christmas season, we headed to Zoo Lights again this year with some friends and Aunt Chelsea. Chels is our official family photographer--one of her many talents. We rode the train first. Keith LOVED riding the train so we had to do it first.

Brown-eyed girl. Those enormous, dark-brown eyes almost always tip the scale in her favor. Unless her dad is involved, and then they tip the scale EVERY time.

 Monkeying around.

 Why is it that our kids spend more time playing on the statues of animals than enjoying the real animals at the Zoo?

 See? She's got her Dad right where she wants him. He's just eating it up.

 Cole and I were having a contest to see who could stick our tongues out the farthest. I think I won.

 This is for all you WVHS grads out there. Ram Power!
I'm such a nerd. I'm going to want to delete this picture in the morning.

 I wish I could remember the details of what Cole was talking about here, but something about Superheroes and some electricity gone-wrong in the magic gingerbread house. He gets so specific sometimes and I get lost in the details. It was intense. That's all I recall.

 And getting a little loopy on the way home.

Couldn't have done it without Aunt Chels!

We had as much fun as we could possibly have without sweet Keith. We missed him and we talked about him. We went to his grave on the way home since the cemetery is one exit from the Zoo (and the Children's Museum), which is partly why we choose that spot. He's near at least two of his favorite places. We took him two little Christmas trees: one decorated with candy canes and one decorated with green and red ornaments. Ally helped pick them out and Cole helped take them to Keith's spot. Even though it was cold and he was tired, Cole really wanted to help place the tree on Keith's grave. He is such a good brother. We're proud of him.

***
I think I'm supposed to be catching up and I will, I think. But not tonight.

"Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire!"

This is what Cole and Ally would be singing to me if they knew it's been over 2 months since my last post when I committed to keep up on this old blog. At least if they were singing the "Liar! Liar!" ditty, it would give me a brief reprieve from the "Batman smells" version of Jingle Bells that Cole sings literally all day long. I'm not joking. When he's not belting it at 85 decibels, he's humming it or playing it on his air guitar. Or my personal favorite, he makes up new versions that include Spiderman and Lizardman or Wolverine and Magneto. His Spiderman one from this weekend went like this:
"Jingle Bells,
Spiderman smells,
Lizardman got away!
The sewer just got stinkier
And Green Goblin played ballet!"

A budding Axel Rose. We're so proud.

I'm really not sure how to catch up so I'm going to just give a quick update and do my best to catch up throughout the week. I think the number one reason why I've avoided blogging is the pictures. I hate to post without pictures and I really hate not having any pictures of Keith to post. I have hardly taken any pictures in the last 3 months. It's not fair to Cole and Ally, I know. I've got to do better. It's just really painful to take pictures of "the kids" and not have Keith in them.
In an effort to right my wrong, I took some of Cole and Ally on Sunday after church and the reason I felt like I could post them is because if you look closely, by Cole's right arm, you can see a sweet, smiling picture-ornament of Keith hanging on our tree. (Thanks to his nursery leaders three years ago). So, he's still in the photo which makes me feel better about posting again. I didn't plan it that way at all which makes me even more convinced that I should keep writing. His presence is still here.

 And Cole insisted that if he smiled for a picture, that I needed to also take a picture of him singing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells..." So, as promised, here he is singing below. Ally's bewildered face and physical distance says it all.

 I took Cole and Ally to see Santa and two of his reindeer on Friday: Comet and Prancer. They were so excited to hand Santa their lists. Cole has an extra piece of paper in his hand where he drew a picture of Santa and Keith and himself. I wanted to keep it but Cole really wanted Santa to have it, so I guess I'll have to get him to draw me another one. Santa said he would put it on his fridge in the North Pole though, so I guess that's almost as cool as being on our fridge at home.

Cole and Ally talk about Keith throughout every day. It's actually becoming more often instead of less, which surprises me. I know there will come a time when they won't talk about him as much and that will make us really sad, but for now, we are so grateful for the memories they have and especially that they have a desire and a safe place to share them. I try to record them every week in my journal but there were a few this weekend that I thought I would share.
Out of the blue on Saturday, Ally said, "Mom, you know what Keithy liked to do? He liked to scoot around." And then right after that she said, "Hey Mom, you know what Keithy didn't like? He didn't like stretching his feet." (I would have to stretch out his heel cords which was miserable for both of us.)
As Ally was eating her second candy cane of the day yesterday, she said, "Keithy LOVED candy canes!" with a big grin on her face. She also prays in every prayer to "please bless Keith" and "we're thankful we will be a family again" and sometimes she even prays "that Keith can come back soon". That gets me every time. 
My dad told me that after my brother died at the age of 1, (I was in first grade), that I would pray every night that he would come back. I guess children can't help but ask for what they really want, especially when the idea of "permanence" is not a concrete element for their developmental age.
Cole prays every day that he is "thankful for Keith and glad Keith will always be my brother." Cole always wants to hear stories about when he and Keith were little(r) and he is constantly taking things to the cemetery for Keith. His latest items have been a sword from the dollar store, a McDonald's toy, some bracelets he made and a green candy cane. A few weeks ago, Cole and Ally colored at least 20 coloring sheets to take to Keith's grave and they were all colored green since that was his favorite color. I had to put them in a plastic bag so the rain wouldn't completely ruin them, but up to the cemetery they went.
This weekend Cole wanted to sleep in Keith's bed so of course we let him. We split the bunk beds into separate rooms when Keith was referred to Hospice since we thought it would help both boys sleep better. So, we now have "Keith's room" and "Cole's room" which is a little strange since they always shared but for now, that's the way it's working around here. Cole's clothes are all still in Keith's room because that's the room they shared together. This way, Cole can create disaster zones in not just one bedroom, but two. It works out really well for the maid...I mean, me. I actually think it's been good. Not the maid part, the part of having Cole's clothes in Keith's room. Cole is in there several times a day so it hasn't become an "off-limits" space or anything like that. Aunt Chels has slept in there for several nights and when she's gone, I've been known to slip in there for a night or two. I keep trying to capture his scent. It's really fading which makes me so, so sad. I know it can't last forever, but I wish it would.
Cole had my iPad yesterday and I noticed that he googled his own name and had done an image search. When Brent and I asked him "why", he explained that he was searching for pictures of Keith and himself. Brent went through our blog with him to show him some pictures and we reassured him that he can look at pictures of the two of them anytime. (This was also a parental "note to self" moment that I need to supervise Cole more closely on the iPad. He can google his name? And do an image search? Good thing his name isn't Hugh or he might have discovered some pretty spicy images pop up).
Cole is always telling us about things that Keith liked or did or if we see a new movie, he will say, "Keith would have liked this show, Dad."
I'm grateful for where we are as a family as far as communication goes. I can sometimes see people bristle when we say Keith's name or talk about him so freely but for us, that's the best way to handle it and I'm glad we can feel like he's still such a part of us when we miss him so desperately.
I could say a lot more but I'm calling it a night. I've just got to get at least one post up so I can start to catch up! If I try to do too much, I'll never post again.
So, I'll just leave you with a small window into the skyscraper of Cole's imagination. Last night before bed, he was explaining to me that he, the blue Power Ranger, was pretending that our little Santa statue was a robot Santa, made with wires and electricity, but he didn't know he was a robot Santa. Instead of giving toys, he had been stealing the toys. Hence the bag of stolen toys slung on his back. So, Cole was there to investigate and to fight the robot Santa so he could save the real Santa. It sounded more complicated and cooler when he said it, but basically that was the jist of his scenario he was acting out. I got a few pics before he noticed me.

And Ally, such a little squeeze, trying to run around as fast as she can so she doesn't have to go to bed.

Also, I feel like I should explain Ally's shorter hair style these days. The day after Keith's funeral, I was not in a good place emotionally, obviously. So, when Ally got out of the tub and I couldn't get a comb through her locks, I literally grabbed the closest pair of scissors, got a brief and hesitant nod from my sister, and chopped a good 6 inches off her hair. It was supposed to be less, but she turned her head right when I snipped and then I had to even it out, or at least my version of evening it out. I was never very good at drawing straight lines, so it was pretty haggered for awhile until my Mom took her in to get it fixed. Ally didn't seem to miss it one bit but it was her dad that I feared. He loved her long and unruly mane but probably because he didn't have to force a comb through it or tackle Ally to the ground to attempt a pony tail every day. Thankfully, Brent took it easy on me and actually, dare I say, has grown to love it. I mean, who wouldn't love any hairstyle on that face? Also, I thought it would work better for Halloween since she was going to be Snow White. It was all part of the plan. I think.

Keep moving

When I started this blog in 2008, it was simply a way to update out-of-town family and friends on the Burnett family happenings. When Keith was diagnosed with his brain tumor, I had a decision to make and I felt strongly that I should keep writing even though a part of me wanted to keep everything private. We knew family and friends would want to know how Keith was progressing through his treatments and how we were holding up as a family.
Now that Keith is gone, I've found myself at another crossroads and I've been vacillating all month. There's a significant part of me that wants to stop blogging. From my observation, it is common for families to stop updating blogs and caring bridge sites after their child has died. I completely understand why. It's just too hard to write certain things. (Those are the things I will probably try to avoid.) And people generally get uncomfortable hearing about death and grief because they don't know what to do or say and they feel awkward. (It's okay. We don't know what to do or say either, so you're in good company.)
As I've thought through it, I've determined that this blog is still the story of our family. Keith is still a part of our family even if he's not here with us now. Brent and I and Cole and Ally are here and somehow life continues. The sun comes up every morning and days continue to come and go. Lately I feel like I watch each day and cannot wrap my head around how the world keeps going around me when I feel like my life has fallen apart. My daily routine is completely different now. A month ago, my world revolved around Keith. I didn't like all the things we had to do together, but I got to spend all day and most of every night with that special boy. How is it that I got to spend so much time with such a remarkable soul? I feel so blessed for that time together and at the same time I feel so deflated at the loss of our companionship. My daily routine seems to have no purpose. It feels meaningless. I know that is not true, but it feels that way a lot. I keep telling myself that Cole and Ally need me to be present in their lives and to teach and nurture them daily. (At the very least, I've got to feed and clothe them!) Brent needs me too. I know that. But there is nothing. And I mean NOTHING that is more fulfilling than caring for a child like Keith. It was exhausting but rewarding. It was hard but so worth Keith's company and the feeling I got each day knowing that I was participating in something so crucial. Something that I knew nobody else could do because I was Keith's mom and that was my blessed role. A role I will cherish forever. I miss Keith so much it physically hurts. My chest feels hollow, like a huge hole has been drilled right through it and my stomach is a mass of churning knots. In addition to missing his physical presence, I've come to realize how much I miss who I was when he was here. I miss being so intensely focused on someone outside of myself--someone I love so much. I was better because of him. Keith was "my best four years," as Taylor Swift puts it in her new song about a 4 year old boy who died of cancer. Ironically, her song was released the day of Keith's funeral. You can check it out here if you haven't heard it. Every time I hear it, I need a super-sized box of tissue and 2 dozen ice cubes to reduce the swelling around my eyes.
Anyway, I've found the best thing for me is to keep moving. I just try to keep busy with Cole and Ally and do fun things outside the house and when we are home, I just try not to sit. It's hard because everywhere and everything triggers a million memories of Keith. I love that and I hate that. I love to have memories to cherish and I hate that it hurts so much. But we just keep going and doing as best we can. Cole is in two different preschools. One is a co-op with some friends of mine and another is Keith's preschool in the Early Intervention program. They were looking for some kids to be what they call "typical peers" and I thought it would be good for all of us to stay connected with the program. Ally and I spend time running errands or doing chores around the house. She's a great little helper. Cole and Ally are weathering decently. They still talk about Keith and we encourage it as much as we can. Anything to keep their memories of him alive. Cole really misses Keith. We can see it and he also verbalizes it sometimes. Our hearts ache for his loss that we know he will only miss more as he gets older.
Brent and I are holding up okay. I don't even know how to answer how we're doing. We aren't crying constantly but we feel a constant, nagging sadness that eats at our insides anytime we aren't sleeping. Tears still come unexpectedly. 
I'm so grateful for Brent and Cole and Ally. When we turned to leave Keith's graveside after they lowered him in the ground, I told Brent that if it weren't for him and Cole and Ally, I would climb right inside that hole next to Keith. And I meant it. I'm just so grateful for these three who give me a sense of tangible purpose to each day. I don't know if they'll ever know how much they save me.
It's also been a huge help to me to have my sister, Chelsea, here for a whole month, visiting from London. She keeps us moving and planning things every day. Cole and Ally love having her here, too.
We met Syd and Nick at the beach last week where the kids had a blast. I couldn't get Cole to leave the sand dunes. We jumped and ran and slid all afternoon.

Chelsea striking a serious pose. I couldn't resist this pic.

Snick, about to pull Evie's arms out of their sockets.

We've been taking Keith's stuffed chipmunk, Theodore, on all our outings so we can feel like he's with us. I know it's kind of strange but it helps. I hate a pic of all the Smart grandkids without him in it. It just doesn't feel right.

Although, after looking at these pics, I think someone other than Cole should be in charge of holding Theodore next time. He looks like he's going to fall.

Me, blowing off steam and pretending I can jump. Trust me. I can't.

Evie: squeezable as ever.

 Cole and Ally are pretty good to play together at home. Cole has been into shooting arrows like Hawkeye lately. I had been searching for the case to my glasses for over a week when I finally found it in the back of Cole's shirt. Of course he had been using it to hold his arrows for easy retrieval. Obviously, I should have thought of that.

So, anyway, that's how we've survived this past month. Keep moving through the fog of emotions and try to do our best to focus on what we need to do each day. One day at a time.

Also, I wanted to include these photos of Keith from his last few weeks and days. I just can't post without a picture of him. There are so many precious pictures of everyone soaking up time with him. The ones that especially get me are the ones of Brent. Brent loves that sweet boy and Keith loves his dad.

Keith feeding Evie Smarties candy.

Keith feeding Aunt Syd some Smarties.

Grandpa Smart reading stories.

Aunt Annie and cousins Jade and Cohen with Keith.

Uncle Shea snuggling with Keith.

Grandma and Grandpa B getting some time with Keith

Aunt Julie and cousin Caden having Popsicles with us.

Cole, Keith and Ally watching a show together. I desperately hope Cole retains some memories of these times. He was such a dedicated brother to Keith.

Ally was always really sweet to get Keith things that he needed. She always watched out for him.

Keith snuggling with his Dad.