The Burnett Gazette: October 2012

When I started this blog in 2008, it was simply a way to update out-of-town family and friends on the Burnett family happenings. When Keith was diagnosed with his brain tumor, I had a decision to make and I felt strongly that I should keep writing even though a part of me wanted to keep everything private. We knew family and friends would want to know how Keith was progressing through his treatments and how we were holding up as a family.
Now that Keith is gone, I've found myself at another crossroads and I've been vacillating all month. There's a significant part of me that wants to stop blogging. From my observation, it is common for families to stop updating blogs and caring bridge sites after their child has died. I completely understand why. It's just too hard to write certain things. (Those are the things I will probably try to avoid.) And people generally get uncomfortable hearing about death and grief because they don't know what to do or say and they feel awkward. (It's okay. We don't know what to do or say either, so you're in good company.)
As I've thought through it, I've determined that this blog is still the story of our family. Keith is still a part of our family even if he's not here with us now. Brent and I and Cole and Ally are here and somehow life continues. The sun comes up every morning and days continue to come and go. Lately I feel like I watch each day and cannot wrap my head around how the world keeps going around me when I feel like my life has fallen apart. My daily routine is completely different now. A month ago, my world revolved around Keith. I didn't like all the things we had to do together, but I got to spend all day and most of every night with that special boy. How is it that I got to spend so much time with such a remarkable soul? I feel so blessed for that time together and at the same time I feel so deflated at the loss of our companionship. My daily routine seems to have no purpose. It feels meaningless. I know that is not true, but it feels that way a lot. I keep telling myself that Cole and Ally need me to be present in their lives and to teach and nurture them daily. (At the very least, I've got to feed and clothe them!) Brent needs me too. I know that. But there is nothing. And I mean NOTHING that is more fulfilling than caring for a child like Keith. It was exhausting but rewarding. It was hard but so worth Keith's company and the feeling I got each day knowing that I was participating in something so crucial. Something that I knew nobody else could do because I was Keith's mom and that was my blessed role. A role I will cherish forever. I miss Keith so much it physically hurts. My chest feels hollow, like a huge hole has been drilled right through it and my stomach is a mass of churning knots. In addition to missing his physical presence, I've come to realize how much I miss who I was when he was here. I miss being so intensely focused on someone outside of myself--someone I love so much. I was better because of him. Keith was "my best four years," as Taylor Swift puts it in her new song about a 4 year old boy who died of cancer. Ironically, her song was released the day of Keith's funeral. You can check it out here if you haven't heard it. Every time I hear it, I need a super-sized box of tissue and 2 dozen ice cubes to reduce the swelling around my eyes.
Anyway, I've found the best thing for me is to keep moving. I just try to keep busy with Cole and Ally and do fun things outside the house and when we are home, I just try not to sit. It's hard because everywhere and everything triggers a million memories of Keith. I love that and I hate that. I love to have memories to cherish and I hate that it hurts so much. But we just keep going and doing as best we can. Cole is in two different preschools. One is a co-op with some friends of mine and another is Keith's preschool in the Early Intervention program. They were looking for some kids to be what they call "typical peers" and I thought it would be good for all of us to stay connected with the program. Ally and I spend time running errands or doing chores around the house. She's a great little helper. Cole and Ally are weathering decently. They still talk about Keith and we encourage it as much as we can. Anything to keep their memories of him alive. Cole really misses Keith. We can see it and he also verbalizes it sometimes. Our hearts ache for his loss that we know he will only miss more as he gets older.
Brent and I are holding up okay. I don't even know how to answer how we're doing. We aren't crying constantly but we feel a constant, nagging sadness that eats at our insides anytime we aren't sleeping. Tears still come unexpectedly.
I'm so grateful for Brent and Cole and Ally. When we turned to leave Keith's graveside after they lowered him in the ground, I told Brent that if it weren't for him and Cole and Ally, I would climb right inside that hole next to Keith. And I meant it. I'm just so grateful for these three who give me a sense of tangible purpose to each day. I don't know if they'll ever know how much they save me.
It's also been a huge help to me to have my sister, Chelsea, here for a whole month, visiting from London. She keeps us moving and planning things every day. Cole and Ally love having her here, too.
We met Syd and Nick at the beach last week where the kids had a blast. I couldn't get Cole to leave the sand dunes. We jumped and ran and slid all afternoon.

Chelsea striking a serious pose. I couldn't resist this pic.

Snick, about to pull Evie's arms out of their sockets.

We've been taking Keith's stuffed chipmunk, Theodore, on all our outings so we can feel like he's with us. I know it's kind of strange but it helps. I hate a pic of all the Smart grandkids without him in it. It just doesn't feel right.

Although, after looking at these pics, I think someone other than Cole should be in charge of holding Theodore next time. He looks like he's going to fall.

Me, blowing off steam and pretending I can jump. Trust me. I can't.

Evie: squeezable as ever.

Cole and Ally are pretty good to play together at home. Cole has been into shooting arrows like Hawkeye lately. I had been searching for the case to my glasses for over a week when I finally found it in the back of Cole's shirt. Of course he had been using it to hold his arrows for easy retrieval. Obviously, I should have thought of that.

So, anyway, that's how we've survived this past month. Keep moving through the fog of emotions and try to do our best to focus on what we need to do each day. One day at a time.

Also, I wanted to include these photos of Keith from his last few weeks and days. I just can't post without a picture of him. There are so many precious pictures of everyone soaking up time with him. The ones that especially get me are the ones of Brent. Brent loves that sweet boy and Keith loves his dad.

Keith feeding Evie Smarties candy.

Keith feeding Aunt Syd some Smarties.

Grandpa Smart reading stories.

Aunt Annie and cousins Jade and Cohen with Keith.

Uncle Shea snuggling with Keith.

Grandma and Grandpa B getting some time with Keith

Aunt Julie and cousin Caden having Popsicles with us.

Cole, Keith and Ally watching a show together. I desperately hope Cole retains some memories of these times. He was such a dedicated brother to Keith.