This is what Cole and Ally would be singing to me if they knew it's been over 2 months since my last post when I committed to keep up on this old blog. At least if they were singing the "Liar! Liar!" ditty, it would give me a brief reprieve from the "Batman smells" version of Jingle Bells that Cole sings literally all day long. I'm not joking. When he's not belting it at 85 decibels, he's humming it or playing it on his air guitar. Or my personal favorite, he makes up new versions that include Spiderman and Lizardman or Wolverine and Magneto. His Spiderman one from this weekend went like this:
"Jingle Bells,
Spiderman smells,
Lizardman got away!
The sewer just got stinkier
And Green Goblin played ballet!"
A budding Axel Rose. We're so proud.
I'm really not sure how to catch up so I'm going to just give a quick update and do my best to catch up throughout the week. I think the number one reason why I've avoided blogging is the pictures. I hate to post without pictures and I really hate not having any pictures of Keith to post. I have hardly taken any pictures in the last 3 months. It's not fair to Cole and Ally, I know. I've got to do better. It's just really painful to take pictures of "the kids" and not have Keith in them.
In an effort to right my wrong, I took some of Cole and Ally on Sunday after church and the reason I felt like I could post them is because if you look closely, by Cole's right arm, you can see a sweet, smiling picture-ornament of Keith hanging on our tree. (Thanks to his nursery leaders three years ago). So, he's still in the photo which makes me feel better about posting again. I didn't plan it that way at all which makes me even more convinced that I should keep writing. His presence is still here.
And Cole insisted that if he smiled for a picture, that I needed to also take a picture of him singing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells..." So, as promised, here he is singing below. Ally's bewildered face and physical distance says it all.
I took Cole and Ally to see Santa and two of his reindeer on Friday: Comet and Prancer. They were so excited to hand Santa their lists. Cole has an extra piece of paper in his hand where he drew a picture of Santa and Keith and himself. I wanted to keep it but Cole really wanted Santa to have it, so I guess I'll have to get him to draw me another one. Santa said he would put it on his fridge in the North Pole though, so I guess that's almost as cool as being on our fridge at home.
Cole and Ally talk about Keith throughout every day. It's actually becoming more often instead of less, which surprises me. I know there will come a time when they won't talk about him as much and that will make us really sad, but for now, we are so grateful for the memories they have and especially that they have a desire and a safe place to share them. I try to record them every week in my journal but there were a few this weekend that I thought I would share.
Out of the blue on Saturday, Ally said, "Mom, you know what Keithy liked to do? He liked to scoot around." And then right after that she said, "Hey Mom, you know what Keithy didn't like? He didn't like stretching his feet." (I would have to stretch out his heel cords which was miserable for both of us.)
As Ally was eating her second candy cane of the day yesterday, she said, "Keithy LOVED candy canes!" with a big grin on her face. She also prays in every prayer to "please bless Keith" and "we're thankful we will be a family again" and sometimes she even prays "that Keith can come back soon". That gets me every time.
My dad told me that after my brother died at the age of 1, (I was in first grade), that I would pray every night that he would come back. I guess children can't help but ask for what they really want, especially when the idea of "permanence" is not a concrete element for their developmental age.
Cole prays every day that he is "thankful for Keith and glad Keith will always be my brother." Cole always wants to hear stories about when he and Keith were little(r) and he is constantly taking things to the cemetery for Keith. His latest items have been a sword from the dollar store, a McDonald's toy, some bracelets he made and a green candy cane. A few weeks ago, Cole and Ally colored at least 20 coloring sheets to take to Keith's grave and they were all colored green since that was his favorite color. I had to put them in a plastic bag so the rain wouldn't completely ruin them, but up to the cemetery they went.
This weekend Cole wanted to sleep in Keith's bed so of course we let him. We split the bunk beds into separate rooms when Keith was referred to Hospice since we thought it would help both boys sleep better. So, we now have "Keith's room" and "Cole's room" which is a little strange since they always shared but for now, that's the way it's working around here. Cole's clothes are all still in Keith's room because that's the room they shared together. This way, Cole can create disaster zones in not just one bedroom, but two. It works out really well for the maid...I mean, me. I actually think it's been good. Not the maid part, the part of having Cole's clothes in Keith's room. Cole is in there several times a day so it hasn't become an "off-limits" space or anything like that. Aunt Chels has slept in there for several nights and when she's gone, I've been known to slip in there for a night or two. I keep trying to capture his scent. It's really fading which makes me so, so sad. I know it can't last forever, but I wish it would.
Cole had my iPad yesterday and I noticed that he googled his own name and had done an image search. When Brent and I asked him "why", he explained that he was searching for pictures of Keith and himself. Brent went through our blog with him to show him some pictures and we reassured him that he can look at pictures of the two of them anytime. (This was also a parental "note to self" moment that I need to supervise Cole more closely on the iPad. He can google his name? And do an image search? Good thing his name isn't Hugh or he might have discovered some pretty spicy images pop up).
Cole is always telling us about things that Keith liked or did or if we see a new movie, he will say, "Keith would have liked this show, Dad."
I'm grateful for where we are as a family as far as communication goes. I can sometimes see people bristle when we say Keith's name or talk about him so freely but for us, that's the best way to handle it and I'm glad we can feel like he's still such a part of us when we miss him so desperately.
I could say a lot more but I'm calling it a night. I've just got to get at least one post up so I can start to catch up! If I try to do too much, I'll never post again.
So, I'll just leave you with a small window into the skyscraper of Cole's imagination. Last night before bed, he was explaining to me that he, the blue Power Ranger, was pretending that our little Santa statue was a robot Santa, made with wires and electricity, but he didn't know he was a robot Santa. Instead of giving toys, he had been stealing the toys. Hence the bag of stolen toys slung on his back. So, Cole was there to investigate and to fight the robot Santa so he could save the real Santa. It sounded more complicated and cooler when he said it, but basically that was the jist of his scenario he was acting out. I got a few pics before he noticed me.
And Ally, such a little squeeze, trying to run around as fast as she can so she doesn't have to go to bed.
Also, I feel like I should explain Ally's shorter hair style these days. The day after Keith's funeral, I was not in a good place emotionally, obviously. So, when Ally got out of the tub and I couldn't get a comb through her locks, I literally grabbed the closest pair of scissors, got a brief and hesitant nod from my sister, and chopped a good 6 inches off her hair. It was supposed to be less, but she turned her head right when I snipped and then I had to even it out, or at least my version of evening it out. I was never very good at drawing straight lines, so it was pretty haggered for awhile until my Mom took her in to get it fixed. Ally didn't seem to miss it one bit but it was her dad that I feared. He loved her long and unruly mane but probably because he didn't have to force a comb through it or tackle Ally to the ground to attempt a pony tail every day. Thankfully, Brent took it easy on me and actually, dare I say, has grown to love it. I mean, who wouldn't love any hairstyle on that face? Also, I thought it would work better for Halloween since she was going to be Snow White. It was all part of the plan. I think.
