"Happy Fater's Day"

This is the poster we lovingly made for our big hero today. Only until tonight did I discover the error of my spelling in the word "Father". I usually pride myself on good spelling. Ouch. The kids thought it was so hilarious that Mom spelled "Father" wrong and kept saying, "Happy Fate-ers Day!" to be funny. Good thing I'm so easy to make fun of or what would my children do for fun around here?

I cannot lie, Mother's Day and Father's Day were hard this year. It's hard to celebrate being a parent when one of your sweet children who makes you a mother or father, isn't here. Especially when that child was so loving and made you feel like you were the rockstar parent you imagined yourself to be. Keith was that kind of kid. The feelings of missing him just never subside. I often questioned people when they said things about the deceased like, "I miss him every day." or "There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her." I know that might sound insensitive but I was surprised that you could miss someone that consistently after they were not physically in your life for months and even years. Now, I get it. There isn't an hour or even 10 minutes that go by right now without me thinking of and missing Keith. There will never be a day that I don't think of that sweet boy, even 50 years from now.

I'm certain Brent feels the same way. Brent climbed Mt. Hood this weekend AND last weekend. Crazy man!  He's gone from mostly out-of-shape to "The Rock" in the last several months and he's a maniac. He's dangerously close to resembling the man I married. Pics to come when he's met his goal. At least, I will post them if I can get away with it. Hahaha! The only downside to the new Brent is that I have to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn to get in my runs so he can get in a run after his weights workout every morning. Like I said, maniac!

Anyway, above is a pic of him at the summit of Mt. Hood with my dad (who also climbed both weekends), his brother Clint and of course, Keith's stuffed Theodore. Brent packed him all the way up there. I know it was his dream to climb mountains and tackle all kinds of adventures with Keith, Cole and Ally and it wrenches my insides to think of those lost opportunities. I know he'll create great memories with Cole and Ally and that is not to be underestimated, it's just not how he or I would like it to be. I just hang on to the hope that someday we will understand the entire picture and we will recognize that the Lord's plan is better than the one we can see in our limited, mortal vision.

Just to illustrate what an awesome guy Brent is, I'll relay a conversation Brent and I had last night. Brent was asking me about someone close to me who was having a difficult time. He was checking in to see how she was doing. (Who knew he was so sensitive, right? Ok. I know. I'm supposed to be telling you how awesome he is and not getting in my digs, but sometimes I have a difficult time being serious. Shocker.) Anyway, I was telling him that it's hard for this person or for any of us when life doesn't turn out how you dreamed it would when you were younger. And I said, you know, just how my life hasn't turned out how I thought it would. He looked a little offended and asked what I meant. And I said, "Well, you know, I never thought I'd bury my son."
His response, "Yeah, but did you ever think you'd have such an amazing kid?"
Of course I had no response because that made me cry.  No, I never, ever dreamed I'd have such an amazing kid. And I could do better to focus on what I have, not what I don't have. That's what Keith would do. I have 3 amazing kids.
Anyway, that shows you the kind of guy Brent is and his perspective on life. Cole, Ally and Keith are so fortunate to have a Dad like him and I'm grateful for the strength he is to me when I want to throw pity-parties for myself.

You know I can't end things on a serious note, so I'll share another conversation from today. Cole wanted to sew a patch on his backpack and Brent started to say, "Mom can sew that on for you." And then thought about the fact that of course Mom probably wouldn't sew that because Mom can't sew. (Although in my defense, I think I could handle a patch!)
So, he said, "Cole, Grandma (Burnett) could sew that on for you."
Let me insert, that I was already feeling like less than a domestic goddess today because Brent smoked his own BBQ ribs for dinner. On Father's Day. I know. I'm horrible. (A-Mazing ribs by the way!) The man can cook, I tell ya.

So, in my lowly moment, I hit Brent with a low blow. I told Cole to ask his friends who mows their lawn, their Dad or their Mom...
I've been giving Brent a hard time because he hasn't mowed our lawn once this year. He started to defend himself and then realized that wait a minute, he had no defense.
But seriously, in his defense, he's traveled A LOT and would prefer to spend time with the kids (or climb mountains) on the weekends than mow the lawn. I can't blame him for that. But I will start charging him for "Lupe's Lawn Service" as I now call my yard services. I'm thinking of ordering myself an official t-shirt. But then I realized, he could throw it right back at me and charge for "Brent's Meats: You buy it, I grill it."

So, there you have it. I am so far beneath a domestic goddess it's ridiculous and Brent is no cabana/yard boy. Whatever. It works for us.

Happy Fate-ers Day!

Recuperating

After Boston, we flew out the next morning to St. Thomas and then took ferries and cabs to the British Virgin Islands. Brent and I had been trying to do a trip, just the two of us, far away and sunny for awhile and we finally did it. It was awesome. It was a perfect trip. We stayed on an island so remote that we had the beach completely to ourselves almost every day. It was beautiful, relaxing and fun.

 

 Below is our "private" beach we laid out on every day after snorkeling or island-hopping.

 Below is a picture on the trail above our resort.

 We kayaked almost every day to some of the best snorkeling on the BVI's. Brent never, ever gets tired of snorkeling. I think he missed his calling to be a marine biologist. Below, please notice the obscene amount of water in our kayak. Amazingly, we kept that thing afloat all the way from the reef to our resort. That's some serious kayaking.

 We got a guide and went fly-fishing for bone fish on the salt flats. We didn't catch anything but saw lots of fish. Brent thought it was pretty fun even if we didn't catch anything. I thought it was a lot of (expensive) wading and waiting around. But it was still fun. When you don't have anything to do, anything new is fun.

 This was the boat we were coveting from our balcony. It's only $150,000 per week to charter so yeah, maybe next time, huh?

 The Baths. There is an incredible national park where these huge granite boulders create little tide pools and caves you can meander through. You take your time snorkeling and climbing through everything. It was an awesome experience. Someday we want to take the kids. So cool.

 Below, the view from our balcony. The water is really that color. No joke. It's absolutely beautiful.

 View in the evening.

 View at our last supper before returning home to real life.

 Brent celebrated our last evening with a 4 pound lobster. You order the size and then you can watch your waitress walk down to the dock and have the lobster guy haul your chosen size right out of the ocean. I just had to take a picture of the carcass. It was too huge and too awesome.

Brent took the picture below so that whenever we get stressed or sad or whatever, we can look at it and remember our lazy and perfect days on the beach. I'm transporting my mind there right now...

Maybe after another 12 years of marriage, we can go back.

Boston Marathon 2013 Recap

Brent and I at the finish. I'm barely standing upright.

My signature on the sign at the Expo.

At the Expo, after a red-eye, waiting to check into our hotel and crash!

I think I was supposed to be carb-loading, but I just had to sneak in a dark chocolate tart with raspberries. There's fruit on it, at least, right?

Looking like I haven't slept in weeks, but actually feeling pretty rested at the loading zone at Boston Common.

Loading zone. It was organized but it was unbelievable how many runners there were.

Brent bought this crate from a homeless guy for $10 so he could stand on it for 5 hours and stake out a good spot at the finish line. He claims he could see much better after his purchase. True love for sure!

At the finish, looking less tired than I felt. 

On our way home from dinner on the evening of the race.

I know this is so late and I'm so far behind but I'm determined to get caught up on this old blog. I'm not quite sure where to begin to describe our weekend in Boston because the bombings put a huge, black cloud around the whole experience. We were so grateful to be safe, but so horrified for those who weren't. Brent was standing feet from where the second blast erupted just an hour before it went off. We just kept feeling so grateful to be safe as we were holed up in our hotel room, glued to the news and frantically responding to texts, emails and calls to let everyone know we were safe.

For the purposes of this post, let's rewind and I'll walk you through Marathon Monday prior to the tragic bombings. Because before the explosions, it was a pretty perfect day. 

Brent and I took the "T" one stop from MGH to Park Street around 6:30 AM. I didn't want to waste any energy, even if it was walking across the Common. We said goodbye and I waited with the 27,000 or so other runners to board the buses out to Hopkinton. I've never seen so many runners in one spot. I felt like everyone was running in the marathon. It was a city of marathoners. It was pretty cool. It took over an hour to load and almost an hour on the bus. I chatted with the runner sitting next to me because she was nice and also because I needed something to take my mind off the fact that I needed a port-a-potty--fast. I was obviously trying to stay well-hydrated for the race and two hours between pit stops was not going to cut it, especially when we arrived in Hopkinton and the lines were 30 people long for the restrooms. So, I did what any classy lady would do and ran for the nearby trees. Trust me, I was not the only one out there. I tried to wait in line, but it wasn't happening. Sorry, Mom. I know you raised me to be a lady but seriously, sometimes it can't be helped. So, anyway, after that I felt much better, and I started making my way to the athlete village. It was here that I was wishing I had a friend running with me! I needed to do something to pass the time since I still had a solid hour and a half until my wave started at 10:20. I had a banana and an energy bar and then broke out my electric green nail polish (for Keith) and painted my nails. Thanks Jen!!! I knew I was going to need something to concentrate on to calm my nerves and painting my nails was the perfect thing. People probably thought I was nuts, but whatever. We've already established that I have no shame.  By the time my nails were dry, I knew I needed to get in line again for the Port-a-potties. Timing your bathroom trip before a race is critical. I won't go into the details but it's a very tricky thing. I ended up waiting a little too long to get in line and started in a later corral than I was supposed to start in. It wasn't a huge deal because of the chip timing, but it was pretty stressful the first few miles because everyone around me was going 20-30 seconds per mile slower than I needed to be going. And there is literally zero wiggle room those first few miles. It's runners, shoulder to shoulder and toe to heel.

Let me back up a hair and just say also that the start line was pretty crazy. News cameras everywhere and thousands of spectators lining the streets. I wasn't even sure where the start line was for a solid quarter mile because we were all running and people were cheering but technically, we hadn't even started yet. It was just a mass of runners jogging to the start. Runners stretching as far back and as far forward as I could see. 

So, anyway, I spent the first few miles stressing about how slow I was going but couldn't do much about it because there were runners everywhere! Somewhere around Mile 4, I got a little wiggle room and started to pick up some speed to try and make up for the slow start. In the end, I think it was good. The crowd helped me not go out too fast. I felt better for longer than I had in my 2 previous marathons and this course was a lot hillier. 

Highlights of the course were reading all the funny signs people held up. It was a fun distraction to read what people wrote. Things like, "Run like Ryan Gosling is waiting for you at the finish." And other stuff that seemed a lot more funny at the time and now that I'm typing it, seem a lot less funny. So, I'll just stop there. But anyway, Wellesley was pretty awesome. It was so LOUD! I had one headphone in and didn't really even need it. The crowds were so loud and fun, that it wasn't really necessary. I never knew a race could go by so quickly. The 3+ hours felt like 1 hour, almost.

The rolling hills started around Mile 17 and I was anxious to see so many of my friends from Arlington Ward that I knew were waiting for me at Mile 19, just before Heartbreak Hill. I was so excited to see them! I saw Ellen P. first and then I saw little Emmett in his Lion Costume. That gave me such a lift. Thank you Katy for bringing him! 

(Brief interjection: Emmett is the nephew/grandson of a family from our ward in Arlington. He was diagnosed with cancer one year after Keith. Completely different kind of cancer, but we feel like the boys have some similarities (ie: feeding tube, no appetite, a shunt and some facial expressions). We were able to meet Emmett and his parents for the first time on Sunday at church, after being pen-pals over the last several months. We were so honored to meet them.)

Getting a lift from my friends helped carry me through Heartbreak Hill. Honestly, there were two hills after Mile 19 and I wasn't really sure which one was Heartbreak. It didn't matter. A hill is a hill. And I have to say, they weren't as bad as the hype. Although the last 10K which was supposedly "all down hill" didn't feel that way at all. I felt pretty good until Mile 24. Coming into Brookline was so loud again. It was amazing! People packed the streets. It was crazy. But at some point, even the crowd can't distract you from cramping calves and overall fatigue. I felt done at Mile 24. Once I got to Mile 25 though, I started to rally again, knowing I was so close to the finish. I could feel my face scrunching up in pain though. But I couldn't do anything about it. You just have to gut out those last few miles. I could feel myself slipping off pace a bit but it was all I could do to just make myself keep running. I knew I was going to finish but I really wanted to push for a good time. But there comes a time in every race where you just don't care about your time, you just want to be done! Luckily, by Mile 25 I was close enough to just start willing myself to the finish. I tried to take Brent's advice and "just enjoy the whole experience." I was trying my best, even though it was a little hard to ignore my screaming calves. I know it was from dehydration. I didn't drink enough during the last several miles. I didn't want to have to take a bathroom break, so I was afraid to drink too much. Like I said, a delicate balance. :)

So, anyway, the finish. 

The longest part of the race was the last .2 miles. I could see the finish line but I wasn't getting any closer to it! And I felt like I was running so fast, but my head knew that I wasn't really running that fast. It felt so amazing to cross the finish line, even if there were still crowds of people running next to me. I had no idea where Brent was, but I knew he was there somewhere. I felt good about my time. I was really hoping for 3:25 but 3:27:52 was still a personal best for me and Boston is not an easy course, so I felt pretty good.

I hobbled through the finishing chute and grabbed snacks and water and my medal. It took awhile to collect my checked bag from the bus. Amazingly, Brent found me coming out of the finish area before I  headed towards the family meeting area. He was patient with me as we walked s-l-o-w-l-y back to our hotel, about a mile away. 

Below is where I will inundate you with official race photos. Partly because they are decent, but mostly because they cost the same price as a new pair of running shoes and I want to get my money's worth out of them.

After the finish!

Notice the grimace? I'm struggling here.

You would not believe the amount of cups on the course. I saw people trip over them. They were everywhere! There were a few spots that I had to concentrate so I wouldn't slip.

Feeling the burn here.

So happy to cross the finish, even if it's between two very old  guys and one, way too enthusiastic girl.

Concentrating

Hurting

Looking for the finish line.

I love this shot because you can see Keith's logo on my shirt so clearly. I ran by a few people throughout the race who were running for a children's cancer charity. I thanked each one of them and got all teary every time.  I was moved by this team of runners who would go to all the trouble to raise money and to train for a cause that is so close to my heart. One guy put his arm around me and you could just feel his compassion for me and our loss. It was really sweet. Despite crazy bombings and who knows what else crazy that goes on, I still believe most people are really, really good.

Seeing Emmett in his Lion costume and the Arlington crowd. Thanks Ellen for the photo!

The Lillroses and us at church. Thanks again, Ellen!

It was fun to see old friends at church. Thank you Shawna and Lafkas's for rides! And thanks to little Caroline for her sweet "good luck" card! It was so great to meet up with Erin and Doug and their adorable little boy Ryan who came all the way down to our hotel to see us. I'm kicking myself for not taking a photo! What was I thinking?!!!

The race was a pretty awesome experience, as far as races go, but it was so sad that it was ruined by some heartless fools.

Thanks to everyone for your uplifting words of encouragement prior to and after the race. I know it was just a race, but it meant a lot to me to do it. I appreciate so many of you who have gone out of your way to show your love and support for me and my family. Thank you.

Fortitudine Vincimus

"By endurance we conquer."  This was the motto Ernest Shackelton adopted when he led a rag-tag group of men 1200 miles across the Antarctic seas in small, open, life boats after their expedition vessel, rightfully named the Endurance, was crushed by ice flows.  They battled freezing weather, fierce winds and ferocious seas.  They had little equipment and no protection from the elements.  They experienced severe frostbite, hypothermia and exhaustion and they were perpetually on the brink of starvation.  And yet, they endured, day after day, for over 2 years, until Shackelton and two others scaled the icy peaks of South Georgia island and descended into a remote whaling village to secure their rescue.

It's a motto that we've adopted in our family in an effort to get through the crushing grief of these last few months and nobody embodies it more than Darc.

Darcee is running the Boston Marathon tomorrow.  It's the oldest marathon in the world and one of the most difficult amateur marathons to qualify for.  Darc originally qualified for it in 2011, the year sweet Keith was diagnosed with cancer.  Given his treatments, she bowed out of the marathon, hoping that some day she'd get the chance to run it again.  The next year, Boston changed the qualifying times to make it even more difficult to qualify for the event.  Darc ran as much as she could throughout Keith's treatments, but remained wholly focused on making him happy and getting him through the brutal months of chemo.  Last February, as we neared the end of Keith's treatments, Darcee started running a little more and, despite the remaining 2-3 months of treatments, began training for the Newport Marathon in June.  To qualify for Boston again, she would need to shave off 5 minutes from her previous time, which, in marathon terms, is a pretty big improvement.  Despite the round-the-clock medicine schedules, the nights in the hospital and the chaotic days, Darcee trained hard through the spring.  As Keith's treatment's finished, sleep got a little more regular and her training became more intense.  I marveled at her commitment during this time.  It didn't matter how tired or run down she was, she stuck to her training plan.  In the mean time, Keith was doing wonderful.  His treatments finished and we were so looking forward to seeing him rebuild.

Darc ran the Newport Marathon the first weekend in June.  She set her PR at 3:29 and qualified for Boston.  We were so excited.  I was so proud of her.  With so many good excuses not to train for a marathon, she did anyway, and she crushed the time she needed to qualify again for Boston.  On the ride home in the car that day, we talked about the Boston Marathon.  How much fun it would be to go back to Boston where the boys were born, to take all of the kids, and for Darc to run it as a celebration of Keith conquering cancer and her conquering her marathon goals.  Sadly, it was not to be.  That very night, Keith experienced a massive seizure, the first sign that his cancer was back.

We lost sweet Keith in September, about a week before the registration opened for Boston.   Nothing seemed to matter then, especially not some marathon, but she registered, not knowing if she'd have the physical or emotional energy to do it.  As the days and weeks went by and we both wrestled with the crushing grief of losing Keith, she found that running was one of the few things that made her feel better.  She decided to train for Boston, mainly as a temporary distraction from the overwhelming sadness. 

I, again, was so amazed at her determination and commitment.  There were/are so many days where the sadness is so overwhelming that I don't feel like getting out of bed to do the things I know I have to do (like work).  And yet, every day, rain or shine, hot or cold Darc gets out and runs.  She inspires me.  I admire anyone that can train for and finish a marathon.  I was amazed by Darcee's ability to train for Newport on little sleep and constant exhaustion.  But what's most inspiring to me is how she's trained for Boston in spite of the sadness and sense of loss that I know she feels everyday.    

Tomorrow is the marathon.   It's not the situation that we imagined 10 months ago.  We dreamed that Keith would be here to see it with her.  We're staying at a hotel that shares a parking lot with the hospital where Cole and Keith were born.  Even though he's not here in person, I know he'll be looking down on his Mom tomorrow and that he'll be so proud of her.  I made Darc a shirt to wear in the race.  It has the symbol on it that I designed for Keith's headstone and the website address for the children's cancer race we're doing in September (Hero-up.org).  It also has our newly adopted family motto, "Fortitudine Vincimus" - By Endurance We Conquer.

Rockin' and Rollin'

Brent has been doing his fair share of traveling this month for work, so the kids and I have been doing our best to entertain ourselves. Luckily, Cole transformed himself into Dierks Bentley for an afternoon and graced Ally and me with a concert. He also covered a little Creedence Clearwater. It was awesome.  

Speaking of rock, we also received a really neat gift in the mail from the Children's Cancer Association this week. We were supposed to go as a family to their "Caring Cabin" at the coast last fall and obviously didn't quite make it to get Keith there. They offered to let our family go even after Keith had passed but we didn't really feel up to it. But, apparently, they place a rock for all the children who've stayed at the cabin on the grounds and they send a duplicate to place in your own yard. I placed it in the flower garden my dad planted for us last summer. Keith would love the flowers. 

My initial reaction to the rock was feeling overwhelmed for how sweet the CCA's gesture was towards our family. And then, I just felt sad that I was happy for even a split second about a rock with Keith's name on it. I don't want a rock with his name. I just want him. I know that sounds ungrateful, but please don't misunderstand me. I'm grateful for their kindness, just really, really missing Keith this month. Well, every day. I can't believe we passed the 6 month mark of him being gone. I can't imagine a lifetime without him. It seems unbearable. 

It's so difficult to face a challenge that cannot be overcome. It can't be fixed. It can't be moved. You can't work hard enough for it to go away. Brent and I have just never dealt with something like this before. I know someday, in the next life, all will be well. Better than we can ever even imagine. I don't doubt that for a second and I'm so grateful for a Savior who makes that possible. It's just hard to know we'll be waiting for so long. 

People say it gets better over time. I don't understand how that could be. I read a quote a few weeks ago that hit home.

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

~Rose Kennedy 

A picture of the rock that rests at the CCA's caring cabin.

You can kind of see the rock in front of the little tree, to the right of the bench.

A close-up of the rock in our flower garden.

OK. I need to move on to something that won't make me cry. How about an outfit ensemble from Ally? How about a purple striped shirt, with pink starred pants, a backwards and inside-out cardigan and polka-dot rain boots (on the wrong feet)? Add in a crazy hairdo and you get a typical look from our little lady. She absolutely cracks me up. She's really into telling us how much she loves us. "Mommy, I love you a thousand-million!" "Daddy, I love you a million-billion!" She has so much life and energy and happiness. Her smile brightens our lives.

And Cole. It wouldn't be a post without a costume-clad Cole. He's starting to branch out slightly from superheroes into Star Wars, but superheroes are never too far from his mind. Today we listened to the Star Wars soundtrack for much of the afternoon while he ran around "saving the galaxy" with Ally, a.k.a., Princess Leia. The spiderman picture below was taken while Brent, Cole and Ally set up a Star Wars Angry Birds platform in the garage. It's still there and I have now been parking my car outside in the rain for 3 days. It's mutiny around here if I even mention removing the Star Wars Angry Birds apparatus-thingy. I'm always outnumbered around here.

As for me, I'm still running like a crazy-fool...logging about 50 miles a week these days. Boston is just over 3 weeks away. I'm excited but ready to start tapering down my training.