December

We celebrated Christmas a few days early as a family because we flew to Maui with my parents, siblings and Grandma Phyl on December 22.
The day before we left, Keith's grave marker was installed. We went in the dark to see it before we left so this picture is from when we got back. We couldn't be more pleased with how it turned out. Brent designed the logo. The quote is from Joseph Smith. It goes without saying that I was completely depressed thinking about buying Keith a headstone for Christmas and getting on a plane for a "family" vacation without him.
I have to admit, our Hawaiian Christmas was better than we anticipated. It was a relief to not be at home for our first Christmas without Keith. It helped it not feel like Christmas and just a sunny vacation. (OK, not "just" a sunny vacation. It was a pretty amazing trip.)
I know that probably sounds bad to not want it to feel like Christmas, but for this first one, it was what we needed to survive. We truly were not ready to come home 12 days later.

Insert photo overload. If you follow my sister, Sydney's blog, you probably don't need to look at any of these pictures. We all shared our pics and she had them all on her blog last week.

Brent, just prior to his cliff-jump from which he almost didn't return. 

 For reasons that cannot be explained, Sydney always gets us doing this idiotic poses. And because we had had a bit too much sun exposure, we listened to her ridiculousness.

The "Crouching tiger hidden dragon" pose

The "Star"

A knock-off of the original "Crouching tiger hidden dragon".

Sibling "Star" on steroids

The double "crouching tiger hidden dragon". Brent's going to kill me for this one. Bwahahahaha!

This is what happens when Dad is in charge of putting on his daughter's swimsuit.

If there was ever a record for the number of photos in a single post, I just beat it.

November, Part 2

The day after the boys' birthday, I flew out to London for my first European experience. I flew all night and landed at Heathrow around 11 AM. I took a car to Chelsea's flat in Central London and it was non-stop sight-seeing for the next 9 days. Chels drives a mean travel itinerary. It is not for the faint of heart. I didn't think I would be able to distract myself but the combination of jet-lag and the whirlwind history tour overload actually did successfully distract me for much of the time. We hit London, the English countryside including Bath, spent 2 days in Bruges, Belgium and the last 3 days in Prague.
I will not bore you with details of our travel itinerary. But I will delight you with some gorgeous photos of my photogenic sister and amuse you with some ridiculous photos of myself.

Westminster Abby

Afternoon English tea in the Cotswolds

Stonehenge

Below: Me attempting to get photos of myself in the picture with Stonehenge in the background. I failed miserably. But I will allow you to laugh at my folly. The park was closed so we basically had to do a drive-by. Chels was waiting in the car so she couldn't take a pic of me, but trust me. I WAS THERE!!!

Still failing...

I gave up but included some nice pics of the sheep nearby. Thought you might like that.

Taking the train to Bruges

There's a reason why all the pics in Bruges are of Chelsea. She actually adds to the scenery.

View from our hotel room that got me out running that morning.

The hot chocolate and chocolate truffles were THE reason I went to Belgium. They didn't disappoint.

I averaged 1 street waffle w/ choclate about every 3 hours. 

Prague is eye-stimulus overload. It's just incredible. The pics don't do it justice.

One of the highlights for me was running in so many different places. Chels lived right on the edge of Regent's Park so I ran through there twice. I also got to explore the quaint cobblestone pathways through Bruges and stumbled upon a fabulous running path around the city. I then crossed some of the historic bridges of Prague, including the Charles, and continued all the way up the hill to the Prague Castle and it's scenic views. I know it sounds lame to most people, but I LOVE exploring new places on foot while running.  So for me, it was cool. Almost as cool as the giraffe-print pants I'm wearing in the above picture, right? 

Thanks to Chels, the coolest, most well-traveled and most photogenic sister ever! (She even managed to keep me alive while driving through the English countryside. For that, I will always be ever so grateful.)

Also, huge thanks to the Grandmas and Brent for kicking me out the door and taking such great care of the kids.

November, Part 1

I think it will be necessary to split this month into two parts, starting with the boys' birthday. I was dreading their birthday because I didn't know how to handle the wide spectrum of emotions. On the one hand, I'm obviously completely devastated at not being able to celebrate Keith's 5th birthday with him. And on the other hand, I have a lively and excited Cole who cannot wait to turn 5, open his presents and eat cake. It is complex to really discuss my feelings about their birthday.

Anyway, we really did our best to be excited with Cole in planning his day. And we were excited. How can you not get caught up in the fun of turning 5? Both Grandmas came into town and Brent took the day off work and Julie brought Hunter and Caden, so it was a full day.

We went to the cemetery first. I don't believe the grandmas had been back since Keith's funeral so it was somewhat healing for them to be able to come. To say a visit to the cemetery is "good" might sound strange, but I always feel better after being there to visit Keith's grave. It's a safe place to let out emotions that are held in most of the time. It's peaceful and quiet.

After the cemetery, we went to Safari Sams and let the kids run and play. The only way we got Cole out of there was to remind him of presents and cake at home.

 Cole picked a pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting just like his dad always chooses. I also made green cupcakes in memory of Keith. They have bug sprinkles on them. He picked them out on a visit to the party store last summer with Grandma Smart and me. I don't know why he wanted those, but he did. I sure miss all the little quirky things he always did. That's why I had to put those silly sprinkles on his cupcakes. I know it's not for him. It's for me.

 Cole was pure comic relief while opening his presents. He rushed from one thing to the next with his one-of-a-kind enthusiasm. He's all decked out in the SWAT gear from Grandma B. I think it was SWAT gear. Cole will probably correct me if he sees this. He played hard all afternoon in his gear and then with his Legos, slingshot and light saber.

 It was too heartbreaking to think about not buying Keith presents, so Brent had the idea to buy him presents anyway and take them to the hospital. This brought me the most healing that day. Cole and Ally helped unwrap them all and a few days later I took them down to the hospital. I don't think we will keep wrapping them, but I know we will keep this as a tradition. As much as I hate thinking of some little boy suffering like Keith did, it helps to think we could do anything to make him smile, even for 5 minutes. Cole will always keep us tuned in to what the "cool" kids are in to each year. It's so nice to have an insider.

Cole was really sweet in his prayers that night. He said, "I'm thankful that Keith will always be my brother and that we will be together again." 

This day will always be a tricky one for Brent and me. We always want to have enthusiasm and joy for Cole on his special day but we will always mourn Keith not being here with us on this special day he was born, too. I just want Cole to know how much we love him and celebrate his life as much as we love and miss Keith. We want to be careful and not overshadow Cole's vibrant life with our grief over Keith. But it's also important to grieve together as a family, too, so Cole knows it's okay to be sad sometimes. Anyway, I'm completely rambling. Like I said, complex emotions. I'll just leave it at that.