Fortitudine Vincimus

"By endurance we conquer."  This was the motto Ernest Shackelton adopted when he led a rag-tag group of men 1200 miles across the Antarctic seas in small, open, life boats after their expedition vessel, rightfully named the Endurance, was crushed by ice flows.  They battled freezing weather, fierce winds and ferocious seas.  They had little equipment and no protection from the elements.  They experienced severe frostbite, hypothermia and exhaustion and they were perpetually on the brink of starvation.  And yet, they endured, day after day, for over 2 years, until Shackelton and two others scaled the icy peaks of South Georgia island and descended into a remote whaling village to secure their rescue.

It's a motto that we've adopted in our family in an effort to get through the crushing grief of these last few months and nobody embodies it more than Darc.

Darcee is running the Boston Marathon tomorrow.  It's the oldest marathon in the world and one of the most difficult amateur marathons to qualify for.  Darc originally qualified for it in 2011, the year sweet Keith was diagnosed with cancer.  Given his treatments, she bowed out of the marathon, hoping that some day she'd get the chance to run it again.  The next year, Boston changed the qualifying times to make it even more difficult to qualify for the event.  Darc ran as much as she could throughout Keith's treatments, but remained wholly focused on making him happy and getting him through the brutal months of chemo.  Last February, as we neared the end of Keith's treatments, Darcee started running a little more and, despite the remaining 2-3 months of treatments, began training for the Newport Marathon in June.  To qualify for Boston again, she would need to shave off 5 minutes from her previous time, which, in marathon terms, is a pretty big improvement.  Despite the round-the-clock medicine schedules, the nights in the hospital and the chaotic days, Darcee trained hard through the spring.  As Keith's treatment's finished, sleep got a little more regular and her training became more intense.  I marveled at her commitment during this time.  It didn't matter how tired or run down she was, she stuck to her training plan.  In the mean time, Keith was doing wonderful.  His treatments finished and we were so looking forward to seeing him rebuild.

Darc ran the Newport Marathon the first weekend in June.  She set her PR at 3:29 and qualified for Boston.  We were so excited.  I was so proud of her.  With so many good excuses not to train for a marathon, she did anyway, and she crushed the time she needed to qualify again for Boston.  On the ride home in the car that day, we talked about the Boston Marathon.  How much fun it would be to go back to Boston where the boys were born, to take all of the kids, and for Darc to run it as a celebration of Keith conquering cancer and her conquering her marathon goals.  Sadly, it was not to be.  That very night, Keith experienced a massive seizure, the first sign that his cancer was back.

We lost sweet Keith in September, about a week before the registration opened for Boston.   Nothing seemed to matter then, especially not some marathon, but she registered, not knowing if she'd have the physical or emotional energy to do it.  As the days and weeks went by and we both wrestled with the crushing grief of losing Keith, she found that running was one of the few things that made her feel better.  She decided to train for Boston, mainly as a temporary distraction from the overwhelming sadness. 

I, again, was so amazed at her determination and commitment.  There were/are so many days where the sadness is so overwhelming that I don't feel like getting out of bed to do the things I know I have to do (like work).  And yet, every day, rain or shine, hot or cold Darc gets out and runs.  She inspires me.  I admire anyone that can train for and finish a marathon.  I was amazed by Darcee's ability to train for Newport on little sleep and constant exhaustion.  But what's most inspiring to me is how she's trained for Boston in spite of the sadness and sense of loss that I know she feels everyday.    

Tomorrow is the marathon.   It's not the situation that we imagined 10 months ago.  We dreamed that Keith would be here to see it with her.  We're staying at a hotel that shares a parking lot with the hospital where Cole and Keith were born.  Even though he's not here in person, I know he'll be looking down on his Mom tomorrow and that he'll be so proud of her.  I made Darc a shirt to wear in the race.  It has the symbol on it that I designed for Keith's headstone and the website address for the children's cancer race we're doing in September (Hero-up.org).  It also has our newly adopted family motto, "Fortitudine Vincimus" - By Endurance We Conquer.

Rockin' and Rollin'

Brent has been doing his fair share of traveling this month for work, so the kids and I have been doing our best to entertain ourselves. Luckily, Cole transformed himself into Dierks Bentley for an afternoon and graced Ally and me with a concert. He also covered a little Creedence Clearwater. It was awesome.  

Speaking of rock, we also received a really neat gift in the mail from the Children's Cancer Association this week. We were supposed to go as a family to their "Caring Cabin" at the coast last fall and obviously didn't quite make it to get Keith there. They offered to let our family go even after Keith had passed but we didn't really feel up to it. But, apparently, they place a rock for all the children who've stayed at the cabin on the grounds and they send a duplicate to place in your own yard. I placed it in the flower garden my dad planted for us last summer. Keith would love the flowers. 

My initial reaction to the rock was feeling overwhelmed for how sweet the CCA's gesture was towards our family. And then, I just felt sad that I was happy for even a split second about a rock with Keith's name on it. I don't want a rock with his name. I just want him. I know that sounds ungrateful, but please don't misunderstand me. I'm grateful for their kindness, just really, really missing Keith this month. Well, every day. I can't believe we passed the 6 month mark of him being gone. I can't imagine a lifetime without him. It seems unbearable. 

It's so difficult to face a challenge that cannot be overcome. It can't be fixed. It can't be moved. You can't work hard enough for it to go away. Brent and I have just never dealt with something like this before. I know someday, in the next life, all will be well. Better than we can ever even imagine. I don't doubt that for a second and I'm so grateful for a Savior who makes that possible. It's just hard to know we'll be waiting for so long. 

People say it gets better over time. I don't understand how that could be. I read a quote a few weeks ago that hit home.

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

~Rose Kennedy 

A picture of the rock that rests at the CCA's caring cabin.

You can kind of see the rock in front of the little tree, to the right of the bench.

A close-up of the rock in our flower garden.

OK. I need to move on to something that won't make me cry. How about an outfit ensemble from Ally? How about a purple striped shirt, with pink starred pants, a backwards and inside-out cardigan and polka-dot rain boots (on the wrong feet)? Add in a crazy hairdo and you get a typical look from our little lady. She absolutely cracks me up. She's really into telling us how much she loves us. "Mommy, I love you a thousand-million!" "Daddy, I love you a million-billion!" She has so much life and energy and happiness. Her smile brightens our lives.

And Cole. It wouldn't be a post without a costume-clad Cole. He's starting to branch out slightly from superheroes into Star Wars, but superheroes are never too far from his mind. Today we listened to the Star Wars soundtrack for much of the afternoon while he ran around "saving the galaxy" with Ally, a.k.a., Princess Leia. The spiderman picture below was taken while Brent, Cole and Ally set up a Star Wars Angry Birds platform in the garage. It's still there and I have now been parking my car outside in the rain for 3 days. It's mutiny around here if I even mention removing the Star Wars Angry Birds apparatus-thingy. I'm always outnumbered around here.

As for me, I'm still running like a crazy-fool...logging about 50 miles a week these days. Boston is just over 3 weeks away. I'm excited but ready to start tapering down my training.

Out and About

Recently, we met some friends and went to OMSI. Cole and Ally were so good. Brent and I often describe our life now as "painfully easy". And it's true. It's so easy to take Cole and Ally and go do things. We hate the easiness of it because it means Keith isn't here. Easier is not always better.

But getting out does help us stay busy. We went to the Children's Museum this weekend and I've taken the kids on two very quick trips to Yakima lately to visit family.
Cole and Ally can often be found "texting", "emailing" or "calling" the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or the turtles' friend, April O'Neil. Aunt Sydney asked Cole if he'd received any texts from April O'Neil this weekend and he simply said, "No, just a phone call."
Cole has been known to send text messages from my phone lately. The one he sent today to Grandpa Smart for his birthday looked like this: "hapybrthdagrapoluvcole" (translation: Happy Birthday, Grandpa. Love, Cole)
Not to be outdone, Ally wanted to send a text message also. Cole helped her draft this: "hapybrthdadeergrapoluvally" (translation: Happy Birthday dear Grandpa. Love, Ally)

Never dull around here...

"Half-naked and Almost Famous"

MGK got nothing on us.

Cole and Ally recently joined Brent for part of his workout. Cole is always trying to do his sit-ups, push-ups and chair dips like dad.

 Ally was hilarious because she insisted on taking off her shirt like dad.

And here she is getting all worn out after about 3 sit ups.

And I could be "almost famous" if enough people are bored and have time on their hands to read about me being the Run Oregon Profile of the Week. Thanks Jen for the nomination! And thanks Maryalicia for making me look good!

Click here if you're bored and have some time on your hands.

January

It was rough getting back into the swing of things in January. At least Aunt Emily was visiting so we could start the year off right. She had Cole looking pretty handsome with his spiky hair. I had Emily cut mine again, too. I'm loving having shorter hair and I think I almost have Brent convinced that he likes it too.

 Ally started preschool in January. Cole's Typical Peer program was looking for more students so I decided to put Ally in. They go on different days so they can each have their "own" preschool. Plus, I'm not ready to be alone. I love having one-on-one time with each of them almost every morning.

Ally never looked back on her first day of preschool.

 Cole is into many "adult" things these days. He tells everyone that his parents let him watch "adult movies" which means they aren't cartoons but most people probably think we let him watch unedited HBO or something. Cole loves spelling, typing and then printing the names of his favorite superheroes or people he knows. I had to purchase new ink and a new ream of paper this week. He is also into calling people on the phone. Ally took the pictures of him on the phone, so I guess she's into new things too. She told me that she took some pictures and when I grabbed my camera, I could see that she was right.

 Ally loves dressing up, too. She's hilarious in her Merida costume from Brave. She keeps telling me that now she needs a Tinkerbell costume and a "Apunzel" (Rapunzel) costume. She's constantly telling me what she wants for next Christmas. At least she doesn't demand things on the spot. But her list is going to be 3 miles long by this December!

OK. I think I successfully saved my eyebrows. Phew!

December

We celebrated Christmas a few days early as a family because we flew to Maui with my parents, siblings and Grandma Phyl on December 22.
The day before we left, Keith's grave marker was installed. We went in the dark to see it before we left so this picture is from when we got back. We couldn't be more pleased with how it turned out. Brent designed the logo. The quote is from Joseph Smith. It goes without saying that I was completely depressed thinking about buying Keith a headstone for Christmas and getting on a plane for a "family" vacation without him.
I have to admit, our Hawaiian Christmas was better than we anticipated. It was a relief to not be at home for our first Christmas without Keith. It helped it not feel like Christmas and just a sunny vacation. (OK, not "just" a sunny vacation. It was a pretty amazing trip.)
I know that probably sounds bad to not want it to feel like Christmas, but for this first one, it was what we needed to survive. We truly were not ready to come home 12 days later.

Insert photo overload. If you follow my sister, Sydney's blog, you probably don't need to look at any of these pictures. We all shared our pics and she had them all on her blog last week.

Brent, just prior to his cliff-jump from which he almost didn't return. 

 For reasons that cannot be explained, Sydney always gets us doing this idiotic poses. And because we had had a bit too much sun exposure, we listened to her ridiculousness.

The "Crouching tiger hidden dragon" pose

The "Star"

A knock-off of the original "Crouching tiger hidden dragon".

Sibling "Star" on steroids

The double "crouching tiger hidden dragon". Brent's going to kill me for this one. Bwahahahaha!

This is what happens when Dad is in charge of putting on his daughter's swimsuit.

If there was ever a record for the number of photos in a single post, I just beat it.