November, Part 1

I think it will be necessary to split this month into two parts, starting with the boys' birthday. I was dreading their birthday because I didn't know how to handle the wide spectrum of emotions. On the one hand, I'm obviously completely devastated at not being able to celebrate Keith's 5th birthday with him. And on the other hand, I have a lively and excited Cole who cannot wait to turn 5, open his presents and eat cake. It is complex to really discuss my feelings about their birthday.

Anyway, we really did our best to be excited with Cole in planning his day. And we were excited. How can you not get caught up in the fun of turning 5? Both Grandmas came into town and Brent took the day off work and Julie brought Hunter and Caden, so it was a full day.

We went to the cemetery first. I don't believe the grandmas had been back since Keith's funeral so it was somewhat healing for them to be able to come. To say a visit to the cemetery is "good" might sound strange, but I always feel better after being there to visit Keith's grave. It's a safe place to let out emotions that are held in most of the time. It's peaceful and quiet.

After the cemetery, we went to Safari Sams and let the kids run and play. The only way we got Cole out of there was to remind him of presents and cake at home.

 Cole picked a pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting just like his dad always chooses. I also made green cupcakes in memory of Keith. They have bug sprinkles on them. He picked them out on a visit to the party store last summer with Grandma Smart and me. I don't know why he wanted those, but he did. I sure miss all the little quirky things he always did. That's why I had to put those silly sprinkles on his cupcakes. I know it's not for him. It's for me.

 Cole was pure comic relief while opening his presents. He rushed from one thing to the next with his one-of-a-kind enthusiasm. He's all decked out in the SWAT gear from Grandma B. I think it was SWAT gear. Cole will probably correct me if he sees this. He played hard all afternoon in his gear and then with his Legos, slingshot and light saber.

 It was too heartbreaking to think about not buying Keith presents, so Brent had the idea to buy him presents anyway and take them to the hospital. This brought me the most healing that day. Cole and Ally helped unwrap them all and a few days later I took them down to the hospital. I don't think we will keep wrapping them, but I know we will keep this as a tradition. As much as I hate thinking of some little boy suffering like Keith did, it helps to think we could do anything to make him smile, even for 5 minutes. Cole will always keep us tuned in to what the "cool" kids are in to each year. It's so nice to have an insider.

Cole was really sweet in his prayers that night. He said, "I'm thankful that Keith will always be my brother and that we will be together again." 

This day will always be a tricky one for Brent and me. We always want to have enthusiasm and joy for Cole on his special day but we will always mourn Keith not being here with us on this special day he was born, too. I just want Cole to know how much we love him and celebrate his life as much as we love and miss Keith. We want to be careful and not overshadow Cole's vibrant life with our grief over Keith. But it's also important to grieve together as a family, too, so Cole knows it's okay to be sad sometimes. Anyway, I'm completely rambling. Like I said, complex emotions. I'll just leave it at that.