Waiting

This morning started off very well. We learned that another specialist will be on hand for Keith's surgery, a well-known pediatric neurosurgeon. We also learned that his spinal fluid is clear: a good sign that nothing has spread down the spine. We've all felt good today: strong and optimistic.

I sat down to post a couple hours ago in hopes that it would help me like it did yesterday. I also wanted to help pass the time as we await this 6 hour surgery. As I attempted to give the play by play of yesterday leading up until the moment, I found myself in a very bad place--reliving things that do not need to be revisited. My deeply devoted and in-tune husband literally saved me. He pulled me away from the computer and helped me back to a better place. I've spent the last 2 hours waging an internal war of emotions that I literally never imagined possible. Only through the strength of a higher power have I been able to climb out of somewhere I never want to return. Fear does not come from diety. Faith does. Faith precedes the miracle. I keep repeating this to myself over and over again. I know miracles happen. If ever I need a miracle it is right now.
My father blessed me last night with "the courage of lions and the strength of many". In order for me to have that strength, there must be "many" with whom to share this burden. For every comment I see, every text I read and every email I receive, I know that there is one more individual or family taking a portion of this burden for yourselves and relieving a weight that would crush me to pieces were I holding it on my own. Please know how much your thoughts and prayers mean to us at this time. I read them over and over again to remind me of all the prayers going up to heaven on our behalf.
It gives me so much hope. I am hopeful. I am faithful. I think I just need to write this, to say it so that I can remind myself of my true feelings. If I can post this and re-read it and draw from the strength of so many of you out there, I know that good things can happen--even a miracle.
For now we are waiting. Thank you for waiting and hoping and praying with us.

A nurse just walked in and told us everything is going well. The tumor is still being extracted and Keith is stable. More good news.